I suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is my belief that obsessive-compulsive disorder is misunderstood by the masses. People have a tendency to use it to describe their organizational habits or their fandom obsessions, but it is a genuine affliction, and while it is based on trivial thoughts, the effects of it are far from trivial - they are destructive and powerful. I was officially diagnosed with OCD a few months ago, but I have suspected it nearly my entire life.

     OCD is an anxiety disorder. It is based on obsessive thoughts that cause great anxiety, and in order to relieve those thoughts the sufferer performs compulsions, or in other words: rituals. Each sufferer goes through different rituals, but we all have one thing in common: anxiety. Each individual has their own preferences and their own ideas of how things should be in order to relieve anxiety. Most of us realize that these thoughts and anxieties are needless, but we feel powerless against them.

     Obsessive thoughts and impulses come without invitation. They are neither contrived nor desired. The anxiety and distress is a result of these obsessions, and in order to suppress them one must perform compulsions. Some general compulsions include obsessive handwashing, counting, touching, arranging, cleaning, hoarding, repeating and checking. For example, my washroom ritual involves scrubbing my hands, turning off the taps using a towel or piece of tissue paper, drying my hands with a towel of my own possession and then using something else besides my bare hands to open the door. To make things easier I usually open the door first before I wash my hands.

     If I do not do this, I have to deal with a lot of extra anxiety. On top of it all, I suffer from chronic anxiety that can last up to a month without ceasing, but the rituals lessen it a little. I feel like I have no control over them. It seems like a form of mental slavery. On the other hand, OCD typically involves a fear of losing control. That leads to invasive thoughts.

     Invasive thoughts give the sufferer a glimpse of them doing something harmful that they would never dare doing in reality. A mother might envision herself killing her children, or beating the family dog. The mother would never actually do anything of either sort, but because of the invasive thoughts she begins to feel scared and guilty. She will question whether or not she is a good mother. She will avoid being around her children because she is afraid she will do something bad to them. She cannot bring herself to discipline the family dog because it is too close to what she saw.

     These invasive thoughts are terrible for anyone who experiences them. Not all OCD sufferers have to deal with them, but it is one of the symptoms. I experience invasive thoughts on a daily basis, to the point where I do not like being around my dog or nephew anymore. This is probably the hardest symptom to talk about because it scares other people who do not understand that we would never harm anyone. An OCD sufferer is most likely to harm his or herself in an attempt to put an end to it all.

     I have a severe fear of contamination. My grandmother came home from the hospital one day with a norovirus. Five minutes after she got home I was already packed up and left to my house. I regret not being able to take care of her, but it was unbearable. I have skipped job interviews because I worried about having to shake hands. I have skipped school because I could not handle going on the train and standing in close quarters with other people who may or may not be ill. On the days that I could bring myself to go on the train, I had hand sanitizer and antibacterial wipes with me. At one point I was carrying my own bar of soap everywhere I went.

     When someone in the same house as me is terribly ill, I lie awake at night praying that I will not succombe. I wash my hands so often that sometimes they bleed. I wash them everytime I get in the door, after I get off the computer and after I pet my dog. I feel forced to wash them after I touch a door handle or the television remote. I avoid relationships because I do not like to be touched. This forces me to live a solitary life, but at the same time I accept it because I do not believe anyone could handle my irrational eccentricities, or deal with long periods of no contact.

     I get preoccupied with numbers. I prefer everything to be in threes. When I was ten-years-old I declared that three was my safe number. There are situations when I stray away from three, however. When I purchase a packet of bus tickets, there always has to be an even number of them, otherwise I feel incredibly anxious. When I purchase DVDS, I feel the need to buy exactly four at a time because the number under the circumstances feels natural. Still, in most cases the number three is what eradicates any unnecessary anxiety.

     I have a very hard time in school because of my OCD. I am intelligent, but I find it very difficult to focus on anything necessary. When the teacher writes on the blackboard, I find myself counting the amount of letters. Sometimes I get hooked on a particular word and start tracing it on my left palm with my right forefinger. I do that several times until the anxiety lessens. It is like a trance that I find myself held in until my mind frees me from it. Large amounts of time sometimes pass without me noticing. I am unable to finish exams because when I complete a question, I have to manually count every single question remaining without subtracting in my head.

     The amount of rituals I perform seems limitless. A lot of them do not interfere with my life like some of the more important ones, but they are frustrating nonetheless. Some of these include putting on items of clothing in a particular order, walking on certain sides of the street depending on what street I am on, having my utensils straight while I am sitting at the dinner table, putting on headphones before I turn my discman on, inspecting each bit of food carefully before I put it in my mouth, brushing off my shoulder twice if someone so much as lightly touches it and so much more. If I fail to perform these small tasks I have to deal with more anxiety. My mind nags at me ceaselessly about these things that should be unimportant.

     Falling asleep is a chore. I cannot stay still and my mind never seems to shut off. My brain continues to scan every detail well into the night. I can yawn for hours, and all that comes from it is a sore jaw and a headache. If there is a stray sock on my floor, I have to get up and move it. I have to get up and check my alarm clock several times, sometimes as much as fifty times. If I made dinner before I went to bed, I get up a few times to make sure I turned the stove off. If I remember I set my toothpaste down in the wrong place, I have to get up again and move it. OCD makes it difficult to sleep.

     Obsessive-compulsive disorder is a condition that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I want to reach out to people who suffer from this and tell them that together we will get through another day. Life is precious and is worth fighting every single day for, because if we give up we let the OCD win. If you do not suffer from OCD, please realize that it is no laughing or trivial matter. It is heartwrenching and encumbering. We need your love, patience and understanding to help us through.